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Following a bit of Twitter beef between Vice Magazine and Odd Future’s Tyler, the Creator about Vice‘s lack of coverage over Tyler engaging in some protoypical behavior, the two parties came to a concession. Tyler, the Creator would contribute a written piece which was very much along the styles of the eclectic performer and artist, posing the question “What Makes the Best Pet… A Table, Turtle or Steak.” The comedic piece was further lumped with captions Tyler had chosen for a photoshoot of Odd Future by photographer Terry Richardson. The feature in its entirety can be seen here.
Which is a better pet? A turtle, table, or steak?
Some turtles are really fucking evil. They want to take over the world and keep all the water to themselves. I recently saw this documentary called Rango, with some nigga named Johnny Depp narrating it, explaining how corrupt land turtles are. Sea turtles are usually cool (example: Finding Nemo), but those land muthafuckas are shit. Look at Super Mario—they tried to kill the princess! And Bowser is a big-ass stank nigga. So, no, overall turtles don’t make good pets. They will try to kill you in your sleep and doo-doo in your sneakers.
Tables are really nice. They listen to your worries, hold things for you, and you can boo-boo on them and they will not complain. The first table I had was named Hemphrey. He couldn’t speak English too well, but Hemphrey was the nicest table I’d ever met. He died from a heroin overdose. So, yes, tables make great pets, just keep cool shit like heroin away from them.
Steak. So good. Well-done steaks are well mannered. Raw steaks are just like the people who eat them. Musty. So, steaks can be good or musty pets. Choose one and choose wisely.
Overall, tables are the coolest pets.
Golf Wang, bitch!