I think videos of just you rapping can definitely work, but I think they work better when I either want to see it all in one take (to see if you can actually rap it without editing if its a crazy verse) or if its emotional or something. yours was a bit too straightforward and it made you look unsure of yourself when you kept looking away from the camera.
As far as the song, not bad but if I had come across that on my own and not from hb I wouldn't have even watched the whole thing. There are so many internet rappers nowadays I think you really have to do something to differentiate yourself. Think of all the "unknowns" who have gotten big lately: Odd Future, A$AP mob, Kendrick/TDE, French Montana, Freddie Gibbs, all these guys have a gimmick or a standout image. Either ridiculously good flow/lyrics, a unique voice, crazy beats and catchy hooks, etc. Since your voice is pretty normal (lets be real french montana cant rap for shit but his beats are alright and his voice makes him sound kind of g) I'd say you should work on making some other facet stand out.
Just some feedback from a rap fan, I'm not an expert or anything. good luck man