I'm going away for a while

Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:23
So, I've been on this forum for a little over 2 years (my old username was nametagaaron).I haven't really became friends with anyone on here unlike the majority of you. That being said, no one really knows who I am. I'm sure you all have some weird perception of me in the back of your head from the way/what I post on this forum. What I can assure you is that I am a completely different person than you think I am.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder over 9 years ago when my father abandoned my family. Up until the last few years or so I didn't know how to express my feelings. My mom put me in therapy when I was around 11 and all I did was talk about things that didn't relate to my depression. My mom realized that it was just a waste of money so I stopped going. A year later I ended up in the hospital for suicidal ideation. Again, being so young I couldn't put my feelings into words and the week I stayed in the hospital was a complete waste.

After that experience, I layed lowed with my depression for years. I never told anyone about it because I wanted to live a normal life and fit in with the people around me. When I arrived in high school, everything in my life pretty much went to shit. I could explain why, but that would take way too long and I doubt you all want to read it.

Last year I tried committing suicide 3 separate occasions. My first attempt landed me in the hospital for 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks they put me on new medications, taught me coping techniques, etc, but it was all a waste because I ended up back there less than 2 weeks later. My 2nd stay was only for a week due to me wanting to get the fuck out of there as fast as possible because it wasn't helping at all. Fast forward to December (one month before my 18th birthday) when my 3rd attempt took place. My mom drove me to the same hospital which I was in before, but they refused to take me. She was tired of dealing with me and my problems and tried to abandon/disown me while we waited for information on a hospital that WOULD admit me. I forgot to mention that my mom has been mentally abusing me ever since my parents divorce. She assured me that once I was discharged that I would be homeless and "kicked out" of my family because her and my siblings were "done" with me.

I spent about a month in the hospital and was discharged a few days before my 18th birthday. During my stay, my mom fought really hard to put me into a state hospital where I would stay for at least 6 months. Being a few days shy of 18, I had no say in the decision. At the time, the last place I wanted to go was to a state hospital. To be admitted to a state hospital, you have to be court ordered and I ended up not being able to see a judge. My mom had no choice to take me home and threated me with the fact that if I ever "screw up" again, she has on paper that I will go a state hospital for a long time, signed by my old Truancy court judge.

Ever since my last hospitalization my depression has gotten 10x worse. I've been off my meds for a couple months because I felt like they weren't doing shit. I'm weaker and miserable more than ever and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel that I don't have it in me to help myself at the moment because everything and everyone around me is contributing to my depression. I've let myself go this Summer; I've become a complete mess. All I want to do is sleep because that's the only time when I don't feel pain. I'm trying to hold back the tears as I type this because I'm hurting so bad.

It's time that I do something about this. Today, I'm going to admit myself to a state hospital. Due to the fact that I was hospitalized 3 times last year, I will most likely be in there for at least a year. I'm hoping that I can become a positive person and gain the tools necessary to cope with my problems. I can't help myself at this point, I need others to guide me along the correct path.

Hopefully when I return I can become develop friendships with some of you. I appreciate you all for reading this and I hope you have gained a better understanding of who I am.

- Aaron
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:27
peace, glhf

** i feel for you dude, really, good luck.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:27
Good luck man, hope things turn around for you

you will never be as hypebeast as my blood cousin pankeo

Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:28


Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:32

all jokes besides: i wish the best for you, and thats real.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:32
Shit sounds real bad.

We should set up a smoke sesh with you. Shit.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:33
good luck.


Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:34
good luck bro.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:35
I dunno what to say except for good luck and take it easy man.
A year can be a long time, but as long as its for the better
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:36
Seems like a lot to deal with especially at this age, I wish you all the best! smh
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:38
Damn ship goodluck bro.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:38
Good luck man and congratulations for taking a step on your own and finally taking action and responsibility for yourself I think the fact that your sending your self to the hospital will make it a more successful and worthwhile.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:50
Hey man, congratz that you're getting the help you need. We'll be here waiting for you...if possible it'd be cool if you posted updates of how you're doing tongueface
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:51

good luck with everything man. You took that one big step to help yourself, that in itself is already a victory. just keep your head up
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:52
good luck man keep dat dubstep bumpin
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:55
i hope everything works out for you. stay up.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 01:56
good luck and be good blushing


Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:02
I appreciate the support, guys. Pretty sure I won't be able to listen to dubstep while in the hospital though hah smh.

Backspace: You should make a folder and put all the tunes that come out starting when I leave until I come back. That would be aweeeeeeeeeesome blushing
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:08
best wishes homie.

Inactive User

Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:10
I think I have occasional bouts of depression.

But it's probably progressed to a lesser extent than yours.

My depression was brought on by my own lack of a sense of self compared to my apparent understanding of people. like i can't approach my own feelings except from an intellectual standpoint.

The best advice I could give would be to FIND YOURSELF. It sounds corny as fuck, but taking time to examine my emotions on an intimate level, trying to understand my motivations and why i was how I was, helped me to alleviate some of the emotional bagagge.

Just take care, and if suicide shall ever materialize into as little as a fleeting thought: remember that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:13
Thanks, man!
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:16
What a fucking downbeat thread. It would annoy me to no end if I knew someone that was clinically depressed. I think I would just avoid them completely for fear of annoyance or, maybe worse, boredom. HATE HATE HATE dealing with sick people, and at least sick people either get better or just die. If it's mental, then how much can you really do without just drowning in medication full of side effects?

No wonder your location is where hope goes to die. FUCK.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:19
i really wouldnt mind listening to whatever you have to say.

Not with a bang but a whimper

Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:20
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:23
What a fucking downbeat thread. It would annoy me to no end if I knew someone that was clinically depressed. I think I would just avoid them completely for fear of annoyance or, maybe worse, boredom. HATE HATE HATE dealing with sick people, and at least sick people either get better or just die. If it's mental, then how much can you really do without just drowning in medication full of side effects?

No wonder your location is where hope goes to die. FUCK.

WOW dude. Great motivation for him. he's been having an issue his whole life pretty much and he finally decides to take a giant step into making his life better and you post some wack ass shit like this. gtfoh

and to the OP, good luck fam. I hope everything works out for you. life hits us all in different ways, and even though i feel as if suicide is a cowards way out of dealing with lifes punches and blows, its all good. you survived every attempt, so its no surprise that you are meant to live and carry on through life. make the best out of this upcoming situation you have, and hopefully you can come back and tell your recovery story.

stay up my dude smokeyface
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:24
because anything anyone else can say will help him?
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:28
hope everything works out for you man, you're taking the right first step.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:31
because anything anyone else can say will help him?

probably not, but negativity only brings more negativity. the guy is trying to make his life better. nobody is trying to make him turn his life around or explain to him why he should get help. he already knows why he needs help, and he already made the decision to. he wanted to share because he felt like it was important, and you pretty much just said that you hate depressed people and etc.

if you can't see whats fucked up about that then... whatever.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:34
o ya btw a state hospital wouldnt be ideal

they ganna abuse you in there and other patients will be after you

its like prison mayne

I have no where else to go. I've been everywhere else. And they have separate units for different types of patients.
Sep 01, 2010 @ 02:34
Good luck mayne, best of luck to you really, I hope once you do get out, you'll be a changed man and your life will be a lot more carefree, in the mean time adios.
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