Not everybody's lucky like you, jacob, with your unlimited closet.
word bro. I mean there's times when im really happy. And other times when i just feel like i don't have shit. When im not talking to a girl i feel like shit. Hell even sometimes when im talking to a girl i still feel like shit. I've felt like this for going on 3 yrs now. When i couldnt do good in some of my classes in high school i just felt really depressed, couldnt sleep, and didnt wanna do anything.
If i had the money to get all the clothes i wanted at least i could have some materialistic closure. But i didnt even have that. My mom made a huge deal about my not getting into a bigger college. They made a huge deal about me smoking. And i had just started school and didn't know anyone at all. I still don't even go out like i use to. I would just stay home after work and fuck with the ganja and chill out, but i cant even do that...
Even now i do want to learn about my major geology and try and contribute to the world with this. But the 2nd main reason im even going to college is just to make sure i can get a good job so i can buy w/e i want and not live like a scrub.
Right now i can hardly talk to girls on campus. I mean ive had gf's before and hooked up with chicks i hardly knew. But i have such a bad self image problem i never think a girl actually is interested in me. I act like im hawt or w/e and strut around with my prada frames, nikon, cigarette in my hand but its just all a front. If a girl actually came up and talked to me out of no where id be stoked out of my mind. I mean today i was in the library and this girl was staring at me. I walked out and as i was walking back she was walking out and staring at me again...but i just kept moving. sighhh
I feel trapped all the time. From being told my clothes were "gay" for a while, not even being able to fucking pierce my ears, getting bitched at because i buy something i've wanted for 2 yrs... My family tell me i dont smile, but when i smoke all of my problems go away and i can just listen to some music in my car and smile at how much i love it.
I haven't really told anyone this shit, but as lame and gay as it sounds i feel comfortable telling you people on this forum. At least you guys listen to the same music as me, dress like me, laugh at the same dumb shit. But when i walk out of my bedroom door i'm by myself living day to day.