She is retiring from doing webcams
As most of you may know, I am retiring very soon. Im starting to get really sad-modeling and my fans have been such a huge part of my life. I truly adore you guys. From starting at 17 and essentially growing up and spending my early adult life with a lot of you...to now at the age of 30 and you guys are still loyal and true fans. I love you all so much.
A lot of people are asking why retire when I'm at my "prime" ? I dont know about me being in my prime. haha but I appreciate it. But aside from my incredible fans, there are a lot of hardships that go with modeling, webcamming, and this type of industry. Yes the money is easy and good but it all comes with a price. Like anything that comes easy.
I've been thrown into this industry at the age of 17, been nonstop working and hustling to provide a better life for myself and my family (since you all know my family and I didnt have much.). I became so enveloped with work and the daily grind because I saw how much easier it made life for my parents and family in the Philippines. I started to become obsessed with work that that at times I would make myself sick, depressed.
I also started drinking a lot to cope with a social anxiety that Ive always had. I am a naturally VERY shy, quiet person. I still am. Modeling has never changed me. But to cope with being in the public eye, onstage, or around a lot of people, I would need to drink. And it started to become unhealthy for me. It was as if I was juggling personalities. The real Christine and the model/dancer/entertainer Christine.
I only started modeling as a way to make ends meet. I never went into modeling because I wanted to be a some kind of star or I needed attention. In fact, Im very shy, very normal. I dont like attention on me when Im not working, it makes me uncomfortable. And modeling kind of hindered me from being my normal self.
I guess thats why I'd NEVER go to castings to further my career. Ive been told I should be on more mainstream TV work but I hated the fact that Id have to sit hours through casting cattle calls and who knows what some of the girls have to do for roles. SO that is why I just stuck with import/glamour modeling. Shooting with only whom I was comfortable with and doing shows.
After being able to save up enough money and invest into businesses. I decided that I am comfortable with the steady and residual income from my businesses to be able to quit webcam/modeling. Of course I understand that my income will decrease VERY dramatically, but Im not the kind of person who needs a fancy life, fancy things, or expensive things to be happy. Ive planned my life carefully enough to ensure a comfortable life for my family and I and to still be able to do my charity. And to be honest, if things dont pan out- Im a hard worker and Im smart. And for myself- I live with the most simple of means (even WHEN i was making a good amount of money, i still lived frugally), so Im not afraid of work or live a simple life.
So Im fortunate and grateful to say that I am able to still provide a good life for myself, my parents, family, and still continue with my charity without modeling. I would just need to downsize on some things and save more since I wont be making extra money with webcamming. But thats just fine with me.
Life is about having balance. The last 13 years, I did not have balance. I finally feel like I am able to achieve that now. I was never able to go to college since I have been so enveloped with work. And now, Im finally able to take classes and finish them!
I think what was my breaking point was when I realized I would push myself to work hard all day, be on webcam several hours a night... Be emotionally and physically drained, sometimes sick and then having to deal with really cruel people online.
I am fully aware that it is expected when being in this industry. But as I mentioned before- the REAL me is a very shy, somewhat of a "too-nice" person. I am a lover, i enjoy being a people pleaser and I do get sad when people attack me over the internet. And it happens every day. From when I wake up, all day until I go to sleep. Hateful messages, racial slurs, threats, criticism, you name it. And yes i know its expected but to have to deal with that kind of crap for 13 years of being online and modeling, from strangers on social networks/internet. I just got anxiety from even checking my email or social networks accounts.
And the difference with me and other models is that other models go into modeling knowing and prepared for the backlash and they dont care. They want to be a "star" no matter what. They built a thick skin because their eye is on the prize- bad publicity or any publicity is good to them.
But for me- as mentioned before, I never wanted to be popular. I just needed to make ends meet. So I cant deal with it as well as other models who thrive on it, can.
Call me sensitive, but I think thats my greatest attributes. I absolutely LOVE to love. I love positivity. I want to be normal, happy, be able to finish college, fall in love, get married, have a large happy healthy family, and Im happy with a normal modest, life.
I understand I can easily stretch my career out further, I can be more popular, get taken care of, of make more income with modeling/dancing. But that doesnt make me truly happy. I guess it was my humble upbringing that ingrained the simplicity in me. But Im happy being normal. I want a quiet, healthy life with substance and a happy family, mind, body & soul.
So that is why I am retiring. Aside from making a living, I only stayed in this industry to long because of my REAL FANS. I have grown to love so many of you. From exchanging emails to seeing some of you at the shows, to communicating on social networks.... you guys made it so easy for me.
Even though there were the mean people, you guys would always show me so much love, defend me, make me smile, show me support. YOU were the reason I was able to keep going all these years.
Ive been able to meet some of your families, been able to talk about extra personal things and exchange advice. Ive seen so many of you blossom and grow with me. I just wanna say I am so lucky to have the BEST fans an import/glamour/webcam model can ever ask for. (I really think my fans are the BEST! hehehe! years of loyalty! whew! Thats amazing to me! and Im SO SO honored.
I want to thank you guys for always supporting all of my endeavors with my wanting to back to school, to business, to my charity. My charity has grown so much since 2005 because of my fan support. This last charity trip was HUGE. I was able to hand out 3 different bags for each child i the entire school (about 400) each bag was filled with school supplies in one, non perishables & first aid in the other, and a hot cooked meal to feed a family of 5. Ive never in my life been able to give so much for project mendoza, but this year was amazing because of my fans, and also to webcam hehehe!
So not only did you touch my life, but youve touched so many other peoples lives through Project Mendoza. you may not know it, but even just being a member on this site contributes to my charity. so yes YOU all made a difference.
Sorry to get all mushy but I just wanted to let you all know how much I love and adore you all. You guys mean so much to me and your love and support will forever be a part of me.
For those wondering about the site- it will be up until the content is through. Starting next month, the price will decrease since it will be the last month(s).
Ok, enough of my mushy babbling. gonna get started with my day! I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU GUYS SOOOO MUCH!
I can never thank you enough <3
(Sorry if this diary is all over the place. theres so much Ive been wanting to say! so apologies for babbling. lol)
Oh! Also for my fans who order personalized videos- this will be my last week accepting orders for webcam videos. I will stop accepting video orders November 12. Just letting you know since a few of you asked.
ok bye <3333"