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May 28, 2013 @ 11:01 PM

Post: 13247

Join Date: Mar 2010

Location: The Valley of Killa...

Long read...worth it tho, IMO. From another thread.

Originally Posted by AVthaPHARAOH 
[b]Ayo true story:

So I'm locked in the hole (the jail INSIDE the jail) in the county jail, awaiting my transfer to the State Department of Corrections, and being as we're locked in our cells virtually 24 hours a day, due to disciplinary infractions, **** gets so dead that there's nothing else to do socially, outside of talk...listen to ****** rhyme, bang on the doors, and tell stories. So there's this cat named Chris, around 20...tall, lanky goofy square black kid wit the 96 Kobe fro, and we all goin back & forth talkin about hoes, and he breaks out this story: (I'ma tell it from his perspective)

Chris: Man...you ****** ever **** a handicap *****?

Us:  ***** GTFOH

Chris: Man...ayo. Back when I first joined the Navy, I was stationed in Virginia Beach...and everyone knows it's hoes out there. I was on Facebook one time, and I came across this BAD *** ***** who use to model, named Alicia. Ol girl looked like Gabrielle Union but a little lighter. So I talk to her for a few days, she got modeling pics up and everything, and she seemed prude, but she told me she was into military guys, and eventually we graduated to phone convos. Chick ended up being mad down to earth, drama-free, and said she just liked to relax n watch movies in her free time. I'm just looking to ****, but based off her demeanor, I'm seeing it's potential and ****...

So a week or two goes by, and she's inviting me over to chill at her house and go out to dinner. She said she'd prefer to double date, so if I had a friend with a girl, I could bring one of my Navy homeboys. So we set everything up, and my homie & his broad were to meet us at Ruby Tuesday where we had planned to eat at. Anyways, I make to her crib the following afternoon, and she texts me and says to just walk inside, the doors unlocked. So I go inside and she's calling back to me, "I'm in here..." I walked back towards the living room where the voice was coming from, bend the corner, and I see this legless ***** lying on the fucking couch in a Vogue magazine pose! I was like  and she could see it on my face so she was like  "let me explain...come sit next to me please..." And by now I'm like **** it, kinda feelin bad, so I figure I'll jus take the broad out to dinner since no one prolly hangs out with her anyways...leave, then forget about her forever.

So she gives me this long story about how she was an amateur model (she had the face & body to prove it at least -- minus the legs) and got into a really bad car wreck after her high school prom so she been like this ever since...she cried and ****, and I actually felt bad. Partially cuz she was so damn badd in the face. So I say **** it, lets go. I'll take you out to eat. And her whole face lights up. You could tell this chick was expecting rejection and had grown used to it. So I felt kind of good about takin her out, even tho it was gonna be embarrassing. So I pack her wheelchair up in the car, put her in the passenger seat, swallow my pride, and drive to Ruby Tuesday to meet my boy and her homegirl who are waiting on us.

We get there to eat, and INSTANTLY, my boy looks at me like  And I assume it's cuz it's as much of a surprise to him as it is to me, but not only that, I just KNEW this ***** was Mandark laughing at me on the inside & was gonna have a field day tellin the homies this ****. Part of me wanted to leave all of them there, but the kinder part of me saw it through. So we're eating, talking at the table, and my boy sittin across from me, handicap Alicia next to me...across from his girl. Every few minutes, I'm getting texts from my boy like  "***** u gon **** ain't chu"........"LMAO"......."LOOK MA NO LEGS!" and all kinds of fucked up ****, making me want to kick him in his ****. Right around the time Alicia started noticing we were texting though, she started rubbin up against my leg...and against my wishes........my **** was gettin hard as a MOTHERFUCKER.

So we all take a check, and I tell my ***** I'ma meet him back on base. Him & his girl ride out, and it's just me & Alicia. I put her in the car, pop her wheelchair in the trunk, and ride home...the rides mostly silent cuz I'm still feeling awkward from letting a chick wit no legs rub on my ****...So we're halfway home, and out of nowhere, she leans over, starts unzipping my pants, and puts my **** in her mouth like it's nothing! I'm so in shock, I don't stop her and for real the **** feel good so I'm like **** it. She slurping and moaning and ****, and I'm trying not to look at her legs, but I can't help myself, so I look over and almost crashed bc as her head bobs up and down, one of her fuckin nubs is bobbin up annd down against the car door and it's enough to make me fucking die from disgust and amusement at the same time...

We get to her house and I'm not even thinking about lettin her finish, I get up, and go to grab her wheelchair, and as I'm wheeling it towards her, she says, "you know, you could stay for a while...please stay..." and she looks at me wit that model face and I'm conflicted but my **** still hard so I'm like AHHHHHH **** it! "There's a bench under a tree in my backyard...push me back there...." is what she said, so **** it, I did it.

The suns starting to set, and she has a secluded backyard her neighbors can't really see into, so we're sitting under the tree on the bench, and I **** around and kiss the *****. We're fondling eachother, and shes grabbing on my **** again and catches me off guard when she says, "pick me up.......over there" and she points to the fucking tree. At this point, I'm in it strictly for the sake of being able to say I did it, so I pick her up and carry her like a fucking baby over to this low hanging branch of the tree. She grabs it with both arms and says, "get behind me and pull my dress up. And man.........

I fucked that ***** while she was hanging on to a tree...

And I came in her too. 


Chris: So I nut and she's acting like it's the best sex of her life (really I'm thinking damn aint this ***** arms tiredconfused And long story short, I take her inside, out of pity, set her down on the couch....we have a few minutes of awkward convo, and say our goodbyes after I promise (lie) I'll be back for another date next weekend and tell her I'll call her tomorrow. I head out to my car feelin like Red in Friday when Deebo snatches his chain, and as I look up to roll my windows down, some big *** prison old head ***** is running towards my car (her pops!confused, but I hadn't put my **** in gear, so before I could even roll the windows up, this ****** hand is in my passenger window like "HOLD UP YOUNG MAN". I ain't gon lie. I was scared to death...

First thing he says is "I SAW EVERYTHING." and as I'm scrambling for options, I'm thinking damn this ***** gone shoot me...if I pull off he gon light my car up too  so the only thing I can think of to diffuse the situation is pure honesty. But before I Can even get a word out, he goes, "I'm Alicias Uncle. I seen what you did to my niece. I saw the whole thing...I just wanted to run out here and thank you, because most niggaz just leave her hanging in the tree and bounce."


Don't know how true it is, and I'm sure I didn't capture the essence and timing of how he told it, but **** was top 5 GOAT stories I've ever heard in my entire life.


May 28, 2013 @ 11:03 PM

Post: 13247

Join Date: Mar 2010

Location: The Valley of Killa...

Shit has had me weak as fuck all day lmao!!!! :russ:
May 28, 2013 @ 11:05 PM
Captain Al

Post: 1621

Join Date: Feb 2013

haha that part about his friend text and looking like 

had me dead

tumblr: bankpaper.tumblr.com

May 28, 2013 @ 11:05 PM
B Low Brown

Post: 5488

Join Date: Mar 2010

Location: Eastlake

Lol yea that story/thread is a classic 

@b_low_brown Killerbrownies.tumblr.com

May 28, 2013 @ 11:07 PM


Post: 3413

Join Date: Dec 2011

Location: Philadelphia, PA

Only read cause dead7 posted it. Good story though. Haha.

I prefer carcinogens to endorphins.

May 28, 2013 @ 11:12 PM

Post: 3393

Join Date: Feb 2012

Location: Hansumville

tbh I would fuck a legless model bitch 

Chicks barely dancin, glancin every chance they get, like - oh shit, he's so HANSUM

May 28, 2013 @ 11:13 PM

Post: 3001

Join Date: Nov 2011

Location: 909/626

"I saw the whole thing...I just wanted to run out here and thank you, because most niggaz just leave her hanging in the tree and bounce."

He's cute? I bet he ain't #Hansum

May 28, 2013 @ 11:20 PM

Post: 1482

Join Date: Feb 2012

Location: LA

Lmao dont know if GOAT but its up there
May 28, 2013 @ 11:22 PM

Post: 1117

Join Date: Oct 2012

hahahahahah omfg dead @ the uncle scene
worth reading
May 29, 2013 @ 12:14 AM

Post: 565

Join Date: Aug 2010

''one of her fuckin nubs is bobbin up annd down against the car door and it's enough to make me fucking die from disgust and amusement at the same time...''
May 29, 2013 @ 12:17 AM

Post: 1101

Join Date: Jul 2009

Location: Milwaukee, WI

first page

Edit: disappointed. Ghost's "To Become A Man" story was better.

GIRLS DM ME if you want that PUSSY SUCKED BY LIL B - Lil B

May 29, 2013 @ 12:42 AM

Post: 1474

Join Date: Apr 2010

Location: Paradise

tbh I would fuck a legless model bitch 
lmao that's what I was thinking, and that's not the type of handicap I had in mind when I first started reading so I was kinda disappointed after I realised
May 29, 2013 @ 12:53 AM

Post: 3218

Join Date: Mar 2012

Location: in yo closet

dstyles u da gawd
May 29, 2013 @ 02:55 AM

Post: 816

Join Date: May 2012

lost it at "aint this ***** arms tired"
May 29, 2013 @ 04:07 AM
Jet Jaguar

Post: 452

Join Date: Jul 2012

Location: California

Lmao damn.

first page

Edit: disappointed. Ghost's "To Become A Man" story was better.
May 29, 2013 @ 04:34 AM

Post: 1101

Join Date: Jul 2009

Location: Milwaukee, WI


GIRLS DM ME if you want that PUSSY SUCKED BY LIL B - Lil B

May 29, 2013 @ 04:50 AM

Post: 1201

Join Date: Nov 2012

Location: With you always

Not bad but I had fun making them sound English

my boy like  "Blimey u gon rodger her ain't chu," "Bloody"LMAO" gordon benit"LOOK MA NO LEGS!" and all kinds of fucked up riff raff, making me want to kick him in his family jewels. 

.wa do dem.

May 29, 2013 @ 05:06 AM

Post: 1042

Join Date: Nov 2011

Location: temecula

Was expecting that troll where they say " And while I was fucking her, I pulled off her leg, just like I'm pulling yours."

deff goat story tho
May 29, 2013 @ 05:26 AM

Post: 564

Join Date: Nov 2011

Location: Canada

Dead @ uncle
May 29, 2013 @ 03:38 PM

Post: 374

Join Date: Jan 2013

Definition of GOAT
May 29, 2013 @ 04:07 PM

Post: 3207

Join Date: May 2009

i fucking dieded at look ma no legs

http://hypebeast.com/forums/apparel/217784 http://hypebeast.com/forums/sneakers/206983

May 29, 2013 @ 04:31 PM

Post: 2334

Join Date: Mar 2012

Location: California

May 29, 2013 @ 06:36 PM

Post: 1882

Join Date: Apr 2012

Location: UK

thread provided lols cool

hb weindis "No wonder drake makes love songs. Seeing all these 10's around toronto. damn. Just gained alot of dislike for my city."

May 29, 2013 @ 07:22 PM

Post: 5135

Join Date: Apr 2012

I told this joke to some dudes at the beach about 8 years ago.

Only thing funnier this time around is how much effort OP put into re-posting this.

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