My parents went away last week for their 20th wedding anniversary and left me home alone. So ive been talking to the german exchange chick in my Bio class for most of the semester and this week was perfect to make my move since i got an empty house. I told her i was gonna show her a "piece of Germany".
So yesterday i grabbed the keys to my moms Benz wagon, had some stoner dude pick me up a 6 pack of Becks, and i thought we could finish the night off with a sausage tasting
Long story short, we're in the car, the Becks is kicking in with her (i didnt drink and drive) and she says its cool to go back to my pad. In the back of my head i start flipping out. Then when i go to make a uturn i forget that i have it in freaking reverse. I backed up into a telephone pole!!! arrrrrrrrrrrrrr! nooooooo!! Sea blocked by a pole, pole blocked! I got a MEAN dent it the back and im flipping out and it kills the mood. I was in a get in those ribs mood and she was in a take me home mood.
So i take it over to this oily machanic dude i know to get an estimate today. He tells me $950 BUCKS!! Im like Allah, jesus, whoever, please just kill me. So i go to my boys house and everybody thinks its FUNNY! This girl Casey was there who is like the head of all the dances and all that says she might have an idea to help me out.
She said that our school dance team was sponsoring a HARLEM SHAKE contest on monday and the GRAND PRIZE IS $1000! At first i was like yessssssss but then i remembered i didnt know how to Harlem Shake.
Im determined to get this done whatever it takes but the compitition is supposed to be steep. Like 100 kids signed up and they're bussing in actual Harlem residents to judge the contest. I need some soul quick! If i win i can get the car fixed and cleaned up before the parental units get home next thursday.
Any tips? anything? videos? i just spent an hour watching this girls copy of Darrens Dance Grooves and my head is spinning. Im practicing in the mirror but it just looks like im drowning. My arms are just flapping all over the place and i almost dislocated my shoulder. broke. My parents left me money to eat and stuff but thats just about to run out. I spent most of it on a couple pairs of Dunks the day they left now all i can afford is like a slice of pizza a day.
Now i hear that "Pete The Pop Lockin Playa" and his friend "Hustlin Hank" (yes, thats what they call themselves) were trying to get their hands on the German chick. Tonight! GOD does my life SUCK. Shes a sweet girl and very impressionable. Now these dancer kids who run the school are probably gonna foul her before i get my shot
my shoulders are killing me This kid DJ Tanner is gonna be on the wheels of steel for the competition. Im cool with him, he wished me luck when i saw him today. He said he's been saving some of his dopes beats and freshest grooves especially for tomorrow. I wanna be ready for whatever he puts on.
I can feel the funk in the blood. If dancing was a house, Poppin' Pete would be evicted So I get to school this morning all braided up and there’s a huge buzz about the contest tonight. People I don’t even know heard about my story started wishing me luck in the hallway. So I’m in the library during my 3rd period study hall and one of Poppin Pete’s henchmen “Funky Brewster” (again, I’m sorry, all the kids in my school are total douches and refuse to go by their real name) comes over and starts talking to me.
He says that Pete The Pop Lockin’ Playa heard about all the junk I’ve been talking and wants to challenge me to a DANCE FIGHT after school BEFORE the HARLEM SHAKE CONTEST. Im like ￼. I told him I had to practice my routine for tonight and I was totally against unsanctioned dance contests.
So now it’s lunch time and I see Poppin’ Pete and Hustlin’ Hank making a bee line right for my table. I’m sitting there with Anna enjoying my kiwi strawberry Capri-Sun and Pete is like “You better get down (dance) or lay down (die). 3pm, out by the dumpsters in the parking lot. ”
I couldn’t back down in front of Anna so I was like “Sorry to knock your HUSTLE HANK but it looks like your boy PETE is gonna get POPPED!” In my head I was like, what the hell am I getting myself into. Word spread around school quick.
Now it’s almost 3pm, I cant find Anna, and there’s no way to get out of this. I make my way toward the dumpsters and I see this huge crowd. Its Poppin’ Pete and the rest of his goonies, “Hustlin’ Hank”, “Funky Brewster”, “Willie Wiggles”, and “Newman Beatbox”.
I see Poppin’ Pete and he’s got his hands around ANNA teaching her to do the THUNDER CLAP. I’m like
As soon as she saw me she ran over and said I didn’t have to do this. Someone could get seriously hurt or even expelled and to save all my energy for TONIGHTS CONTEST. I just said, “I danced my way into this mess, now I’m gonna dance my way out” And tossed my Jansport to the side…
Nobody had a radio so “Newman Beatbox” said he would lay down a stone cold groove. He sets it off with alittle “BOOM, BAP, BOOM BOOM BOOM, BAP!”
Pete starts HARELM SHAKING. He starts with a couple rare combo’s I’ve never seen and he says: “SHA SHA, SHAKE, SHA SHAKE SHAKE… SHAKE SOMETHIN’!” His whole crew was like OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!
My face goes ￼. Its my turn to rock. I thought i would start it off safe with alittle LEAN BACK, LEAN BACK… and then slip into the ROCKAWAY. All of a sudden I freeze up, catch a cramp in my leg and hit the floor. I didn’t know what the hell was happening. Even more OOOOOOOHHHHH’s now.
All of a sudden his whole crew takes advantage and jumps me! There was this huge cloud of dust and I was at the bottom in the fetile position. Like SIX guys just HARLEM SHAKING on top of me(pause
. I think one of them was doing the RUNNING MAN too because I felt some feet near my groin. Anna ran and got help, so the assistant Principal ended up coming out so everybody started running. I finally got up but the damage was already done.
Im battered and brusied, and only a few hours from the HARLEM SHAKE CONTEST! They just wanted to take me out so they can have tonights prize money all to themselves.
God I hate typing… more on the actual CONTEST in a bit. Sorry, yesterday was so nuts i fell asleep after all the madness...
So anyway, I go home and get myself cleaned up after getting HARLEM SHOOK. It wasn’t pretty but im over it. I hope my mouth didn’t write a check my HARLEM SHAKE skills can’t cash.
I just put on my game face and got ready for the CONTEST. So I show up at school and get signed in. They give me a trucker hat with my number on it and said I was gonna be in Group 6. The gym was PACKED. Poppin’ Pete was already there gassing up the crowd by doing some unintentionally ￼-erotic dance routine with “Funky Brewster”.
I just gave them a and sat down with ANNA to wait for my group to be called.
The contest gets going and I’m starting off strong. Kids are just dropping like flies. 100 turns to 80…60…40 and im still in there. The judges are like “YOU, OUT…YOU OUT!” I’m in the TOP 20 but unfortunately so are the usual suspects, Pete, Hank and them.
I know this is the time to put my HARLEM SHAKE skills in OVERDRIVE. I start doing all types of combos: bounce combos, hop combos, cheddar cheese pretzel combos, you name it. Anna’s on the side doing her little offbeat German Poka shuffle to the music but I can feel her support. BOOM, 5 more people go down including FUNKY BREWSTER!
Right now my legs are crazy and im just rockin’ steady. Its like im channeling Crazy Legs or something. Im pretty much having a seizure on the dance floor. I had to fight off one teacher from trying to stick a wallet in my mouth. He thought I was gonna swallow my tongue or something. People couldn’t believe what they’re seeing. IM IN THE TOP 10!
So then I go into this BUCKTOWN BOUNCE shake just trying to keep up with POPPIN PETE and everybody else. Then alittle DIRTY BIRD shake with a smooth transition into the ROBOT. JOHNNY 5 was alive! Now a few more kids get eliminated!
The top five is me, “Willie Wiggles” “Poppin’ Pete” “Newman Beatbox” and this kid who’s not part of Pete’s crew “Dance Armstrong”.
So I set it off with this hybrid DAME DASH dice roll shake. Im doing the shake with my left and trying to ROLL TRIPPS with my right. Im dropping invisible singles on the floor, blowing on my imaginary dice, all that. Its like im playing CEELO….with myself, right there on the dance floor.
Beatbox & Wiggles get CUT!
Now it’s TOP 3 and im staring to freak out. DANCE ARMSTRONG is coming on strong and POPPIN PETE is doing his usual thing. I come out of nowhere with some Lord of The Dance type footwork comboed with a Savion Glover type tap step. It didn’t faze either of them.
I see Dance Armstrong starting to slow down alittle so I decide to hit him with the FLINTSTONE FLOP. As soon as he sees that he just runs out of steam and hits the floor! He’s OUT!
This is it, the finals! Im not a big Phil Collins fan but I can feel it coming in the air tonight. I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life, oh lord.
ME vs POPPIN PETE in the showcase showdown. The judges tell us this is gonna be a winner take all, no holds barred, sudden death shake off! We were like two gladiators in the Roman Coliseum except instead of swords our weapon of choice was dance. We start going at it and the place is going absolutely bananas.
Im movin’ & groovin’. Pete’s shuckin’ & jivin’. We’re going back and forth, it’s a dead heat.
I start doing this year 2019 slow motion ghetto matrix bullet time shake. People couldn’t believe it. Pete looked stumped. He looked at the judges and was like “Is that even legal?’ I just told him: “A real man doesn’t have to say NO SLO-MO!”
The crowd was like OOOOOOHHHHHHH.
We keep going back and forth but I can see Pete is fazed. He’s starting to get tired and his Harlem Shake looks like its drifting towards the Upper West Side. I’m just doing a fist pump shake and a 2 step. My adrenaline is pumping and it look like Pete’s legs are gonna buckle.
I felt like SUBZERO when I heard ANNA’s sweet German accent slice through the crowd and yell: “FINISH HIM!”
I know what had to be done. I just start shaking double time, triple time. The whole crowd was a huge blur, it was surreal. I slow down for a sec and look him right in the eye. The place goes silent. I just said “TIMBEEEEEERRRRR” then brushed the dirt off his shoulder.
THE KID JUST TOPPLED OVER!
I WON! Everybody came pouring out of the bleachers and rushed me. It was INSANE. Anna couldnt stick her tongue down my throat fast enough. They ended up giving me this GIANT cardboard check for $1000. YES! I got the money, power, and finally some RESPECT. I felt like a LOX song!
As of today Mom’s Benz is officialy in the shop getting fixed and I got $50 left over to try and buy my way into Anna’s pants. CRAZEST day of my life, I’m still trying to recover…