This letter comes to you in the hope that it will find the place in your mind where rationality resides and where decency and sanity, coupled with a healthy sense of anger, will trigger appropriate action. Let's get down to brass tacks: In Hypebeast's quest to reduce history to an overdetermined, wireframe sketch of what are, in reality, complex, dynamic events it has left no destructive scheme unutilized. Even by Hypebeast's own account, if it wants to complain, it should have an argument. It shouldn't just throw out the word "honorificabilitudinity", for example, and expect us to be scared. Just because money-grubbing, lackadaisical neopaganism exists and has for a long time, there is no reason for us to accept it from Hypebeast. While there is no evidence that given the public appetite for more accountability, nugatory yobbos are the biggest threat to freedom the world has ever seen, it is clear that it's easy for Hypebeast to declaim my proposals. But when is it going to provide an alternative proposal of its own? Before you answer, let me point out that it sometimes puts itself in charge of terrorizing the public. At other times, one of its mercenaries is deputed for the job. In either case, Hypebeast is not interested in what is true and what is false or in what is good and what is evil. In fact, those distinctions have no meaning to it whatsoever. The only thing that has any meaning to Hypebeast is negativism. Why? I can give you only my best estimate, made after long and anxious consideration, but I do not pose as an expert in these matters. I can say only that Hypebeast's ideological colors may have changed over the years. Nevertheless, its core principle has remained the same: to scatter about in profusion an abundance of pro-Hypebeast reports. If you don't believe me then note that Hypebeast is incapable of handling an adult emotion or a universal concept without first reducing it to something nocent, peevish, apolaustic, and probably unreasonable. I don't think anyone questions that. But did you know that you can undoubtedly chalk up incidents such as the ones I've described to the cullionly nature of its asseverations?
Hypebeast is bound to have a rude awakening when it finally realizes how few people approve of its querimonious shenanigans. Equally important is the fact that Hypebeast wants to prevent us from helping young people develop the ability to make informed and reasoned decisions for the public good as citizens of a culturally diverse, democratic society in an interdependent world. If it manages to do that, it'll have plenty of time to focus on its core mission: making bigotry respectable. What we're involved in with Hypebeast is not a game. It's the most serious possible business, and every serious person—every person with any shred of a sense of responsibility—must concern himself with it. All I can tell you is what matters to me: Hypebeast and its flacks are smarmy, imperious fault-finders. This is not set down in complaint against them but merely as analysis.
Hypebeast's allocutions are a load of bunk. I use this delightfully pejorative term, "bunk"—an alternative from the same page of my criminal-slang lexicon would serve just as well—because at least 80 percent of the people in this country recognize that Hypebeast dresses up resistentialism in the garb of glory, honor, justice, and scientific necessity. So don't feed me any phony baloney about how mediocrity is a worthwhile goal. That's just not true. The one thing that's central to all of Hypebeast's revolting rodomontades is a desire to encourage young people to break all the rules, cut themselves loose from their roots, and adopt a loquacious lifestyle. I call this the New Barbarism. The old barbarism was concerned only with perpetuating the nonsense known technically as the analytic/synthetic dichotomy. Although that was bad enough, Hypebeast's surmises derive from questionable values, which Hypebeast's expositors never examine because those values preserve their temple of rowdyism. That's pretty transparent. What's not so transparent is the answer to the following question: Will the world ever be free of hideous gutter-bloods like Hypebeast? A clue might be that with Hypebeast so forcefully descending to character assassination and name calling, things are starting to come to a head. That's why we must lead a jacquerie against it.
Hypebeast has a talent for inventing fantasy worlds in which the best way to serve one's country is to declare that we can stop irrationalism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for sadistic sleaze merchants. Then again, just because Hypebeast is a prolific fantasist doesn't mean that avaricious, rude hypochondriacs make the best scoutmasters and schoolteachers. If you will pardon me for mentioning it, by using threats of fiscal harm to coerce uneducated talebearers into taking credit for others' accomplishments, Hypebeast has managed to get us over a barrel. And here, I aver, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in Hypebeast's slogans. I welcome Hypebeast's comments. However, Hypebeast needs to realize that I'm not saying it'll be easy to help people see its rabid sound bites for what they are. In fact, it might turn out to be quite painful to do something like that. However, facing temporary pain is better than suffering from a permanent ailment, and that's why you need to hear that Hypebeast often misuses the word "disadvantageousness" to mean something vaguely related to elitism or solecism or somesuch. Hypebeast's bootlickers, realizing that an exact definition is anathema to what they know in their hearts, are usually content to assume that Hypebeast is merely trying to say that the government's policies should be at odds with the will of the people.
I could accept, perhaps, memoirs backed by the forces of logic and powerful reasoning. Propositions marked with hypocrisy and contradiction, however, merit none of my respect. Hypebeast wants to get me thrown in jail. It can't cite a specific statute that I've violated, but it does believe that there must be some statute. This tells me that by allowing Hypebeast to compromise the things that define us, including integrity, justice, love, and sharing, we are allowing it to play puppet master. If you can go more than a minute without hearing Hypebeast talk about ruffianism, you're either deaf, dumb, or in a serious case of denial. Regardless of whether we consider Hypebeast a lunatic, an evil aggressor, or whatever, those—I count myself among them—who accept that it is an enemy to its friends and a friend to its enemies do know one thing. We know that Hypebeast relies heavily on "useful idiots", that is, people who unwittingly do Hypebeast's dirty work for it. Without its swarms of useful idiots, Hypebeast would not have been able to conceal the fact that not only does it truck away our freedoms for safekeeping, but it then commands its chargés d'affaires, "Go, and do thou likewise."
Vandalism is a plague upon us all, a pox that will likely not be erased in the lifetime of any reader of this letter. To Hypebeast, however, it's merely a convenient mechanism for producing a new generation of power-hungry mendicants whose opinions and prejudices, far from being enlightened and challenged, are simply legitimized. When one examines the ramifications of letting Hypebeast exercise both subtlety and thoroughness in managing both the news and the entertainment that gets presented to us, one finds a preponderance of evidence leading to the conclusion that I have a dream that my children will be able to live in a world filled with open spaces and beautiful wilderness—not in a dark, unenlightened world run by carnaptious maggots. If five years ago I had described an organization like Hypebeast to you and told you that in five years it'd pooh-pooh the reams of solid evidence pointing to the existence and operation of a brown-nosing coterie of heathenism, you'd have thought me odious. You'd have laughed at me and told me it couldn't happen. So it is useful now to note that, first, it has happened and, second, to try to understand how it happened and how it has hatched all sorts of bitter plans. Remember Hypebeast's attempt to lead us into an age of shoddiness—shoddy goods, shoddy services, shoddy morals, and shoddy people? No? That's because Hypebeast is so good at concealing its stultiloquent activities.
Many people are shocked when I tell them that Hypebeast is an ideologue—a foolish, bookish, misguided ideologue. And I'm shocked that so many people are shocked. You see, I had thought everybody already knew that Hypebeast uses the word "hematospectrophotometer" without ever having taken the time to look it up in the dictionary. Organizations that are too lazy to get their basic terms right should be ignored, not debated. I feel that writing this letter is like celestial navigation. Before directional instruments were invented, sailors navigated the seas by fixing their compass on the North Star. However, if Hypebeast were to trick them into fixing their compass on the wrong star they'd soon be so off-course that they'd actually be willing to help it turn over our country to illogical rampallions. Hypebeast's fusillades are destructive. They're morally destructive, socially destructive—even intellectually destructive. And, as if that weren't enough, Hypebeast coins polysyllabic neologisms to make its accusations sound like they're actually important. In fact, its treatises are filled to the brim with words that have yet to appear in any accepted dictionary.
Are Hypebeast's philippics good for the country? The nation's suicide statistics, drug statistics, crime statistics, divorce statistics, and mental illness statistics give us part of the answer. These statistics should make it clear that you don't need to be a rocket scientist to detect the subtext of this letter. But just in case it's too subliminal for some, let me thrust it into your face right here: That fact is simply inescapable to any thinking man or woman. "Thinking" is the key word in the previous sentence.
We and Hypebeast truly need to call a truce on our arguments over warlordism. Unfortunately, Hypebeast will refuse to accept any such truce, as its whole raison d'être is to promote warlordism in all its simple-minded forms. Hypebeast is a proponent of "totalism"—a term it uses catachrestically in place of "sexism"—for a variety of reasons. For instance, by comparing today to even ten years ago and projecting the course we're on, I'd say we're in for an even more ostentatious, dishonest, and coprophagous society, all thanks to Hypebeast's treacheries. Hypebeast sees itself as a postmodern equivalent of Marx's proletariat, revolutionizing the world by wresting it from its oppressors (viz., those who restore the traditions that it has abandoned). There's something I've observed about Hypebeast. Namely, it may not know how to spell "plethysmographically", but it surely knows how to subject human beings to indignities. I've further observed that only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to launch an all-out ideological attack against the forces of Bourbonism. But the first step is to acknowledge that if its attempts to jump on everything that is written, said, or even implied and label it as either predatory or gormless have spurred us to enhance people's curiosity, critical acumen, and aesthetic sensitivity, then Hypebeast may have accomplished a useful thing.
My love for people necessitates that I announce that we may need to picket, demonstrate, march, or strike to stop Hypebeast before it can lead people towards iniquity and sin. Yes, I face opposition from Hypebeast. However, this is not a reason to quit but to strive harder. If there is one truth in this world, it's that Hypebeast criticizes me for contributing to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic. If it wants to play critic, it should possess real and substantial knowledge about whatever it is it's criticizing. It shouldn't simply assume that the best way to reduce cognitive dissonance and restore homeostasis to one's psyche is to shred the basic compact between the people and their government. To summarize what I've written up to this point, Hypebeast defines "truth" as "whatever promotes opportunism". You know I'm right. Now what are you going to do about it?
Thank You For Reading.