So, I've been on this forum for a little over 2 years (my old username was nametagaaron).I haven't really became friends with anyone on here unlike the majority of you. That being said, no one really knows who I am. I'm sure you all have some weird perception of me in the back of your head from the way/what I post on this forum. What I can assure you is that I am a completely different person than you think I am.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder over 9 years ago when my father abandoned my family. Up until the last few years or so I didn't know how to express my feelings. My mom put me in therapy when I was around 11 and all I did was talk about things that didn't relate to my depression. My mom realized that it was just a waste of money so I stopped going. A year later I ended up in the hospital for suicidal ideation. Again, being so young I couldn't put my feelings into words and the week I stayed in the hospital was a complete waste.
After that experience, I layed lowed with my depression for years. I never told anyone about it because I wanted to live a normal life and fit in with the people around me. When I arrived in high school, everything in my life pretty much went to shit. I could explain why, but that would take way too long and I doubt you all want to read it.
Last year I tried committing suicide 3 separate occasions. My first attempt landed me in the hospital for 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks they put me on new medications, taught me coping techniques, etc, but it was all a waste because I ended up back there less than 2 weeks later. My 2nd stay was only for a week due to me wanting to get the fuck out of there as fast as possible because it wasn't helping at all. Fast forward to December (one month before my 18th birthday) when my 3rd attempt took place. My mom drove me to the same hospital which I was in before, but they refused to take me. She was tired of dealing with me and my problems and tried to abandon/disown me while we waited for information on a hospital that WOULD admit me. I forgot to mention that my mom has been mentally abusing me ever since my parents divorce. She assured me that once I was discharged that I would be homeless and "kicked out" of my family because her and my siblings were "done" with me.
I spent about a month in the hospital and was discharged a few days before my 18th birthday. During my stay, my mom fought really hard to put me into a state hospital where I would stay for at least 6 months. Being a few days shy of 18, I had no say in the decision. At the time, the last place I wanted to go was to a state hospital. To be admitted to a state hospital, you have to be court ordered and I ended up not being able to see a judge. My mom had no choice to take me home and threated me with the fact that if I ever "screw up" again, she has on paper that I will go a state hospital for a long time, signed by my old Truancy court judge.
Ever since my last hospitalization my depression has gotten 10x worse. I've been off my meds for a couple months because I felt like they weren't doing shit. I'm weaker and miserable more than ever and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel that I don't have it in me to help myself at the moment because everything and everyone around me is contributing to my depression. I've let myself go this Summer; I've become a complete mess. All I want to do is sleep because that's the only time when I don't feel pain. I'm trying to hold back the tears as I type this because I'm hurting so bad.
It's time that I do something about this. Today, I'm going to admit myself to a state hospital. Due to the fact that I was hospitalized 3 times last year, I will most likely be in there for at least a year. I'm hoping that I can become a positive person and gain the tools necessary to cope with my problems. I can't help myself at this point, I need others to guide me along the correct path.
Hopefully when I return I can become develop friendships with some of you. I appreciate you all for reading this and I hope you have gained a better understanding of who I am.