To be honest, my main reason for coming to this site was because I wanted to make a confession to people that might be a bit more understanding and open minded.
Basically, I am a pedophile. Before I explain, I can tell you that I have tried getting advice from other places around the internet, but the only responses I get are stuff like
YOU SICK **** I HOPE YOU DIE
GO KILL YOURSELF
I was abused as a kid, people like you have ruined my life!
Jesus loves you!! You should ask him into your life, he is your best friend
That's so sick, you need to get help man
I HATE YOU
That kind of ****.
I am a 20-something guy, I am reasonably intelligent, don't abuse drugs, socially I am a little bit introverted but otherwise normal, I am reasonably good looking, did OK at school... and have been a pedophile for as long as I can remember.
I was very sexual at a young age, before I was ten I was entertaining fantasies about girls etc. As I grew up, I never really stopped being attracted to children. A lot of people think all pedophiles are sick, deranged child molesters, but that just simply isn't true. I am not sick and deranged, and I wouldn't molest and rape a child any more than I would molest and rape a grown woman. I hate child molesters as much as you do.
I am still attracted to mature women, so I am not an "exclusive", as it is known as in the pedo world. I have never considered raping a child, even though I have had numerous opportunities should I have been inclined that way.
Basically the way it works is if you see a girl who you think "aww cute", I basically think the same thing except I get the same feelings from that as I do from looking at a particularly nice looking sexually mature female.
My reasons for posting this is are as follows: I simply cannot go to see a psychiatrist. This particular avenue is permanently closed for me. I have the utmost, unshakeable belief that there is no God, and that if there was, there is no reason to think that he would care about your or I, so therefore asking me to come to Jesus will not help me. I was brought up as a very strong Christian.
I am also pretty addicted to child porn. Before you get completely disgusted and angry about this, let me explain that there is two different types of child porn: there is the type often referred to as "child modelling" and there is the really sick abusive stuff that actually involves sexual abuse. There is a particular child modelling agency from Ukraine that, a while ago, basically advertised for "child models". Upon application, parents were told it would be nude modelling. The children modelled nude, the parents were paid, the kids weren't sexually abused as such (although, yes, they were being exploited).
That is the kind that I find myself addicted to. I have seen abusive child porn (CP) and I found it repulsive and disgusting. I cried to see kids being hurt that way and felt dirty and disgusting for weeks after. I have contemplated suicide quite a few times, especially afer looking at CP.
I just want some advice. Does anybody here have the same kind of problems? I'm sure there must be. A lot of people don't realise how widespread pedophilia is. I can absoluty guarantee without any doubt that somebody you know has pedophile tendencies.
I have considered coming out of the closet but with society's view of pedophiles, it would basically be social suicide.
Please help, if you can. Has anyone here beat addictions? I am resigned to being a pedophile, I can't help the way I am, but I want to kick my addiction to CP because I think the exploitation of the children is immoral, although I don't think nude child modelling is by definition abusive. The pictures of the girls show them smiling and laughing. You would have to see it to understand I guess. I know looking at CP is wrong, but I can't help it. It's horrible, like being controlled by somebody else.
I know most people will label me as a filthy disgusting piece of ****, but please, I didn't choose to be this way. I recently saw a post on an anonymous message board (some of you might know of it) that said:
Person A: I just saw a picture of scantily clad young girl, and I got turned on. Does this make me a pedophile?
Person B: Yes, it's likely you have pedo tendencies.
Welcome to Hell.
That sums it up. Welcome to Hell.
Thanks all. Please don't respond with hate messages. Even if you were abused as a kid. Blaming every pedophile for what might have happened to you is like a woman blaming every man because she was once raped.
Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.
(PS: I am more of a hebephile than a pedophile but still have pedophilic tendencies)